I was always the first one in line, for a prize I didn’t even need to try Now, I’m suddenly left behind. I’m back in the corner of a room trying to keep my head down and rushing to get out soon, watching the hands of the clock slowly turn to the time I can leave it feels like years, I feel so stuck. I often go back to these moments, the glory days of my care free life, the memories and what it all meant at the time, it was everything to me. Now, I’m sitting back in this chair thinking maybe this is all I’ll ever be.
It starts off lying in bed and letting out a big sigh like you just had an exhausting day then your eyes start to fixate on your ceiling like your whole life is written on it and you’re trying to read it but the words are scrambled. You’re trying to solve it and you realize that your eyes are glued to the ceiling or the ceiling is just getting closer to you, that’s the moment you realized that the ceiling collapsed and fallen on top of you, and while you’re also falling into this big black hole at the same time– you’re unable to move. You’re falling with tons of bricks on you, waiting for someone to either catch you or get the rocks off of you. But until then you just keep on falling and falling with no ground to fall onto.
So, I’m back? Am I really though? I’m not sure yet but I’m trying to blog again (yay?) I’m announcing that I am the biggest hypocrite in the blogging world lol. I write about mental health and how to acknowledge it, and how we should take care of ourselves but I’m not walking the talk but hear me out. For the past week I went on a blogging break mainly because of being unmotivated and my mental state was playing with me again, and I needed to get away from what’s keeping me busy this quarantine. I know that sounded weird, I mean if it keeps your mind off of things then why stop doing it right? I’ll tell you more about it in another post.
Anyways, I think I already told my story here about how I handled my anxiety and depression, if you haven’t read it click here. I do believe that I got so much better these past 2 years compare to the year 2015-2017-ish but there are still those occurring days where I go into session with my depression, it isn’t that bad anymore like it was before but still it’s heavy to carry. There are days where I just lie in bed all day, and there’s that having no appetite to eating everything that there is in the fridge. It’s difficult to get over it, there aren’t any concrete solutions or tips where we can keep on avoiding this feeling. So, this blog post is not a self-help tips, sorry for the title (peace sign). But literally these are the things that I usually do during my depression session:
Trigger warning: If you need help with your mental health please talk to someone or call for help.
I Isolated Myself
This is why quarantine and isolation wasn’t really a big deal for me lol kidding aside. Even on my “normal” days, I don’t socialize that much, it drains me. During my “session” I completely loathed interacting with people, it kind of irritated me and I literally didn’t have the energy even just to fake it.
Ate Too Much or None At All
There is no in between. There are moments that even though I am full, I’ll still eat to try and fill up the void inside of me (too dramatic). And there are moments that I won’t eat anything at all for the whole day.
Played Too Much Video Games
Playing video games is the most effective way to past time, this is why I play video games besides that it’s fun. It takes my mind off things and I just want the time to past by and end the day. I’m currently playing The Sims again, trying to live a virtual life the right way lol.
Binge Watching TV Series
When I’m done playing video games, I binge watch TV Series I watch no less than 5 episodes per day or I even finish an entire season in 1 day. I’m currently watching Grey’s Anatomy and I’m on season 6 now and I just started a few weeks ago which tells something– I have no life.
Lie In Bed All Day
My most favorite routine when I’m in my depression session, lying in bed with my earphones on, staring at ceiling, and contemplating on life. Feeling like crap and feeling like falling in an abyss.
Reminder that I’m in no way mocking anyone’s mental situation, this is personal experience and the use of the term “depression session” is mainly for personal description.
I use sarcasm and mockery to get over whatever I’m going through, so I am in no way disrespecting anyone’s struggle with mental health. And, I’m also not an expert to give advice, all stated here are personal views.
These are some of the things that I usually do when I’m feeling worthless and overthinking things, and I find it normal for me and maybe it’s not in a medical view point but it’s something that I got used to do and I’m kind of okay with it. The fact that I have been doing these things to get over that awful part of me is like a maintenance. Do I wish to not experience this anxiety and depression? Of course, but it’s happening and I have to accept that and deal with it. Anxiety and depression are not like a flu that when you drink fluids or meds it will be gone, it’s going to be a part of you even if you already overcome it once or twice, it’s a reoccurring experience and it’s still going to be there and it’s just the matter of how you handle it. This is how I handle it and it works for me, whatever gets you through the day right?
Do you also experience a session with your depression every now and then?
I was in so much pain and you chose to leave hoping that I’d miss you. And, I won’t blame you, ‘cause you were hurting too but if that’s what you want I won’t stop you anymore, you’re free to walk out the door.
Dave and Veronica had been together since they were in high school, and at 19 they got married, they moved in to a small apartment. At 22, Veronica got pregnant, they were both just trying to figure life out. They worry about the future of their child, but Dave and Veronica promised to each other that they could face any struggle as long as they were together. Their daughter was born, Dave got a job as a car salesman and closed many deals in just a short period of time. Dave felt like he was doing something right for once in his life. While, Veronica took over her father’s business and she was doing a pretty good job with it. They bought their own house and they finally got their life together. But a few years after, Dave quit his job because he wasn’t happy even if his job was bringing in a lot of money. Veronica was supportive of him though she was worried about their expenses, especially when their daughter was already going to school. Dave spent years finding his calling, he was hopping on one job onto another. Veronica was getting worried, and said that he should’ve get a stable job by now as he was just wasting his time but Dave was decided that he would not be a corporate slave anymore. Dave saw how Veronica was slowly losing her confidence on him, and how slowly he was losing her, and as that happened Dave lost his own confidence on himself as well.
Dave never got a stable job. Thankfully, Veronica’s business was doing great but she was fed up with Dave’s lifestyle. Dave fell off track, got into a drinking habit, got into meeting other women. Going home in the morning being drunk. Sleeping all day and out at night. They both fell out of their relationship with their constant fighting. Veronica and Dave were out of reach from each other. Until, one night Veronica found out about Dave’s affair, it was the last straw and she finally confronted him about everything. They got into a huge fight where their daughter heard everything, and shouted at his father to go away. Dave ran out and left Veronica with their daughter.
Dave felt like his life was spiraling down, he had no job and also his family hated him. He went away to make himself feel good, stayed with his lover for awhile until he realized that he was missing his family. Dave felt really bad with how his life turned out, thinking he once had everything, and he blew it all away. He decided he wanted to make everything right. Dave came home to his family a few days later but saw his stuff outside the door. He didn’t face his family, he grabbed his stuff thinking that it was all too late and he just went away.
Dave is a person who rush in to life. Starting a family in an early age, with little time to figure himself out. Most people in their 20’s are still out partying, while Dave was out there trying to earn for his family. I couldn’t blame Dave for what he had become, he was brave to have left his job to find his passion but I think Dave got succumbed into depression when he noticed that his wife stopped believing in him. When you’re out in the wilderness you want someone to hold your hand the whole way through until you find shelter to be safe. Dave lost that someone’s hand.
I also couldn’t blame Veronica. As you become a mother, I believe you forget about everybody and even forget about your own happiness just as long as you can provide for your child. Veronica felt like she could handle everything on her own because she was successful with her business and she was getting by without the help of her husband, but she forgot that Dave was there when they both had nothing.
This was inspired by a true story.
What do you think about Dave & Veronica’s situation?