In the words of Paramore, forgiving is not forgetting. Let’s talk about the problem with the saying “forgive and forget”, you can and should forgive but you should NEVER forget. You got hurt, a person did something bad to you, you can’t just forget that. That was a lesson and a warning, you can forgive them for the sake of your peace of mind but you should still look out for those signs, and it is not about having trust issues, it’s about protecting yourself.
I personally learned that this was the way to go, to move forward with life. So many people did me wrong and I didn’t know why I felt guilty because I said to myself that I forgave them but deep inside I was still hurt, and I didn’t forget what they did. I just couldn’t forgive them and just forget what they did to me, that was a lesson for me that I should have known from the start and I will be a complete idiot if they get to do it again. Then I started thinking to just move on and not be bothered by them anymore, I should just cut them off and stop caring if they’ll feel like that I am not the same person that I was before and that is their fault (that sounded so bad). It’s like for me, okay I forgive them, I don’t really care that much anymore about what happened but I will not let myself go through that again, what’s important is my inner peace, and it’s better if I just move on without them.
Okay, that sounded so bitter but it’s the best way to take care of your mental health. Why would you let yourself be pressured into fixing a relationship when you know they are never going to change? If the things they did to you is just a cycle, they say sorry then it’s fine, then it will happen again. Forgiveness is about letting go of the anger, and freeing yourself from hatred. And to effectively do it is by moving on and leaving it behind but also carrying the lesson it gave you. It’s really better to just move on and protect your inner peace, you are wiser now. Don’t let them bother you again. So, stop the saying “forgive and forget”, it should be “forgive and move on”.
I’m leaving you with a Paramore song that inspired me to write this one…
Always make her feel loved and never go to the point where she have to ask for it.
She wants to feel extra special sometimes, you have to make efforts where you would do something beyond your limits, something that she could never expect that you can and will do for her.
Respect her even at times she gets a little too hard on you, she have unexplainable traits that you might never understand where they’re coming from. You have to be understanding as girls can be so complicated.
Comfort her especially when she throws her shit at you, most of the time they just want a hug and sweet words from you.
Be patient with her, she’s dealing with her own demons too. She may become distant at times and she might even build her wall again but tear that down and pull her in, never let your girl keep a grudge from you and as much as possible address every issue she had with you and your relationship, never brush it off because she keeps it and remembers it and it will come up in the future to haunt you.
I can never truly grasp the idea of someone cheating on their loved ones. That person was the one you’ve dreamed of, the one that you once wanted to be yours before, the one that you were so nervous of talking to back then. Now, that you finally had him/her you’re taking them for granted? All those years lost because of an unsatisfied craving?
Everything is a matter of choice. You choose who you love, you choose to commit and you choose to cheat. I don’t know how people who cheats carry the weight of guilt and conscience. I don’t know how they could sleep so tight at night knowing that they hurt their partner. I hate that they call it a mistake when they are so conscious and aware of their actions, they make it sound like it was just an accident.
If your partner lacks the thing that you need all you need to do is talk about it and not find that “thing” in another person. If you wanted to end things say it to them and not create a situation where you hurt your partner, it’s called respect. If you feel like you lost “sparks” go back to the beginning. There are a lot of things you can do to make a relationship work, cheating is an easy-choice to suffice your “needs” but it creates a huge problem and it doesn’t really solve anything. I really hate seeing people who get cheated on, it breaks my heart. I’m thinking that these cheaters once made a heart whole and happy but now they are also the ones who breaks it into pieces. (shame on you)
Self-preservation is what I’ve been always trying to do to survive in this toxic environment. I need to protect myself in order to function, it sounds selfish but I need that and I think we all do. To be the best version of ourselves we need to take care of ourselves first and we all have that defense mechanism to protect our self-preservation from all the threats but what if that defense mechanism also push away the people that matters to us?
Defense mechanism is like a reflex to stimulus, we all have that in just different ways just to lessen the impact or the pain but sometimes it leads to causing pain to other people or worst losing them. Like, for me I always try to stay away from negativity because I have so much of that in me. I absorb negative vibes easily and it instantly changes my mood. So, when I sense somethings a little off I steer away quickly, it’s self-preservation. But what I don’t know is that it disappoints the people that I love because when they need me I kind of shut down my whole system, I push them away because I don’t want any more drama. I seem to look like I don’t care but I do, when it becomes too much it’s best for me to just stay away. I just don’t want to self-destruct.
I have this invisible bubble and I’m inside it. I don’t want to step out of it or let anyone step inside of it. I want to protect myself and at the same time protect the people around me. I thought it’s a win-win but it’s not. I wrote this and posted this almost two years agoLifting Others While I’m Drowningit’s about helping others while you’re drowning in your own problems. It was exhausting living like that so I decided to just stay away from anybody’s business and just mind my own, it was healthy at first but I’ve learned that it sacrifices my relationship with my loved ones. But as I grow older I also understand now that you lose people when it becomes too toxic for the both of you, even if that person has been in your life ever since. I think it’s a matter of who you should keep and can tolerate in your life and who you should let go for the sake of your wellness.
In life it’s all about choices– choices for the betterment of our lives.
I conclude that defense mechanism is essential to our lives. It keeps us sane, it keeps us in control and it keeps us safe from intolerable pain. Always put your wellness before anything else, it’s not selfish.