Tight rope around her mind,
tied around her own spine,
knotted to bind herself from
becoming something hard to find.
Locked herself to defuse the pain
inside of her for she refused
to be in the wrong lane
that she’d unconsciously chose to be in.
Wanting to escape the torturing
caused by her own musings,
she found a way to disembark
the car that her demons were driving.
Her caged words and emotions
wanting to be freed,
through a pen she decided
for it to be released
but on a closed book,
only the one who wrote it could read.
I wanted to tell you things,
things that really goes
through my mind—
the unfiltered thoughts
and not the sugar coated kinds.
But there’s my fear
that you won’t understand
and that scares me the most
that you’ll become distant.
I decided to keep it inside
and through this fake
happiness I’ll try to hide,
even though every night
I soak my pillow case with my tears.
I’ll keep the pain to myself
just to not make you disappear.
There are days where everything is alright and perfectly fine but deep down inside I know it’s not. There are days where I’m so hopeful and optimistic about life but yet I feel like I’m fooling myself. It’s a struggle to feel like this where you are doing great yet there’s something inside of you screams that you’re not okay. Like you’re going on your day, talking to your family, laughing with your friends but then you suddenly pause for a thought comes up and then there you are thinking deeply and just falls into silence. That’s how my day goes on every now and then.
I’m like carrying two sides of myself the one that I show to everyone and the other one which I keep to myself that is somehow heavier. I hate it, it’s so tiring to live like this that there are moments where I think of ending it but I know I can’t but I somehow wish that someone will do me a big favor and just end it for me or is it too much? I know it sounds pathetic and I’m also tired of hearing that it will get better because no one really knows yet I’m still trying that’s all I can really do right now, try and survive.
“Everything’s too fine, it scares me.”
Gigantic Thought Bubble 