I am a complicated person and I have these walls that I’m too hesitant to bring down but I am trying. Please understand that I got used to being alone and I got comfortable being on my own but the idea of being with someone is one thing I want to know. You came along at the time when I thought I was ready but then you got too close― I freaked out.
I admire you for putting up with me for quite a long time even at times when I try to push you away where others would have already gave up but you are different. You still try to tear down the walls I built but I am that complicated and I rebuild it each time you break it. I realized now how selfish I am for not reciprocating everything that you are trying to do, I’m sorry. I hope you can forgive me, if I ever gave you a false hope and I left you hanging. I tell myself all these excuses why it will never work out but the true reason is that I am scared. I am scared of getting hurt and I am scared of hurting someone because I am an indecisive person, I am afraid that I’ll later regret my decision of us being together and end up hurting you instead. Thus, realizing I have these issues that I need to resolve first. I know I am a coward and I actually want you to stay and wait for me until I’m truly ready but that’s too much for me to ask. I hope we can meet again when I’m at a place where I am sure of what I want but for now let go of me is what I’m asking and it’s for your own sake, thank you for wanting me but as cliché as it may sound the problem is not on you, it’s me.
I’ve always imagined myself when I was younger that when I reach my 20’s I’m going to be a responsible adult who knows what she wants and doesn’t really depend on anyone but herself. Now that I’m 21 that imagination remains as an imagination because I don’t see myself now as an adult because for some reason I don’t want to be one lol. I thought teenage years were difficult, I thought having those minor responsibilities were too much but now I wish to go back to those years where the world was somehow filtered. They at least try to make us see the world after we graduate a little less overwhelming, now I understand what they mean when they say “welcome to the real world”… it sucks!
Well, maybe I’m in the early stage of stepping into the real world to say that it sucks and maybe I need to explore it more (do I have to?) so far all I can say is that I’d rather be in school lol. I learned so far that reality is very toxic and it will be if you let it. You need to have a strong mentality to face everything because these negatives can easily change you. It’s like the more you step into this “world” the colder your heart gets and kills the innocence inside of you. I think it’s all up to us how we face it and how we let it affects us but we need to preserve our wellness above everything else.
To those who are teenagers don’t rush to be a grown up enjoy your youth while you can (can’t believe I’m saying this like I’m a real grown up lol) time does flies so fast because before you know it you’re in the past (Always Remember lyric by Shane Filan).
Anyway, it’s been a while since I’ve written anything so forgive this short entry, I’m still trying to fit in everything that I want to do in a day but I still don’t know how and I only have one rest day from work in a week (shoot me now!) I honestly miss reading other blogs and books, I feel like I’m missing out on a lot of things since I started working or maybe this is what it feels like when I’m not sitting around in my house all day lol.
P.S. I don’t why but I feel like ending this entry with John Mayer’s song No Such Thing because it’s currently stuck in my head while I am writing this and I just feel like it suits this post. 🙂
The alarm goes off at 5 am and waking up before the sun does
need not to be late to go to work and at 7 am should catch that bus.
Got drawn to the rush of everyday living
and was focus to the purpose of earning
for the day they call the “future”
yet the present seems such a torture.