I am a complicated person and I have these walls that I’m too hesitant to bring down but I am trying. Please understand that I got used to being alone and I got comfortable being on my own but the idea of being with someone is one thing I want to know. You came along at the time when I thought I was ready but then you got too close― I freaked out.
I admire you for putting up with me for quite a long time even at times when I try to push you away where others would have already gave up but you are different. You still try to tear down the walls I built but I am that complicated and I rebuild it each time you break it. I realized now how selfish I am for not reciprocating everything that you are trying to do, I’m sorry. I hope you can forgive me, if I ever gave you a false hope and I left you hanging. I tell myself all these excuses why it will never work out but the true reason is that I am scared. I am scared of getting hurt and I am scared of hurting someone because I am an indecisive person, I am afraid that I’ll later regret my decision of us being together and end up hurting you instead. Thus, realizing I have these issues that I need to resolve first. I know I am a coward and I actually want you to stay and wait for me until I’m truly ready but that’s too much for me to ask. I hope we can meet again when I’m at a place where I am sure of what I want but for now let go of me is what I’m asking and it’s for your own sake, thank you for wanting me but as cliché as it may sound the problem is not on you, it’s me.
of things that I can do in 2018 to make my life a little more exciting because I want something new in my life, I want some changes. Don’t get me wrong 2017 was great but I feel like something is still missing, I don’t know what it is but I just want to do things that I’ve never done before and I want to do it this 2018 and I’m thinking of those things as of this moment.
Lately I’ve been feeling…
Emotionless, I’m in a point of my life where I don’t really care anymore. I’m neither sad nor happy. I’m waiting for something to happen I just don’t know what it is. It’s really hard to explain what I’ve been feeling lately. It’s like I shut off my emotions, it’s like everything I say and do right now is fake and I act like I do because that’s how normal people should react. I really closed the vents, it’s even harder to write it out when writing was my only way to express how I feel but right now it’s a struggle as well. 2017 was a complete opposite of 2016 for me where I had all those breakdowns, I became a robot this 2017. I wonder what I’ll be in 2018 *fingers crossed*.
Lately I’ve been wanting…
To be with friends, drink and go out. Stay in, write and read books. These are the things I miss the most since I started working, especially writing. This blog has been inactive for weeks and I’m really sorry about that, I really wanted to write but when I get home I just want to lie in bed and just sleep. Now, I want to make up for it this 2018 and be active again and I will really try to post regularly, even just once a week.
Lately I’ve been doing…
Besides from work, nothing lol. I go to work, go home, sleep and repeat. Well, I go out with my friends sometimes for a night out and I really make time for them even if I know that I will lose sleep and go to work the next day feeling like a zombie lol but it’s worth it. Also, my sister is back from Ireland, so every now and then we also go out and eat and just spend time together. We recently went to Boracay (too lazy to post photos) and spent our Christmas there, I needed that getaway.
Lately I’ve been hoping…
It’s New Year I just hope for the best this 2018 for everyone and I’m hoping that I get to do new things in my life and find more things to be excited and thankful for. I also hope you can all forgive this short entry yet again, adult life is taking over me lol
OVERALL LIFE IN 2017:
⁃ Graduated college
⁃ Struggle of finding a job
⁃ Struggle of transitioning to adulthood
⁃ Realized that the “real world” truly sucks but at the same time I find it exciting.
⁃ Felt like life was only beginning but at the same time I felt like life’s activity was repetitive and thought that I’ve already had enough.
When I look back at 2017, it’s quite a blur. It’s like somebody pressed the fast forward button and I can’t even remember half of the things that went down that year. All I know is that right now I’m still here and I endured it all so far and I’m hoping to do the same this 2018.
How was your 2017?
P.S. Leaving New Year’s Day by Taylor Swift just because it’s New Year’s 😊
I’ve always imagined myself when I was younger that when I reach my 20’s I’m going to be a responsible adult who knows what she wants and doesn’t really depend on anyone but herself. Now that I’m 21 that imagination remains as an imagination because I don’t see myself now as an adult because for some reason I don’t want to be one lol. I thought teenage years were difficult, I thought having those minor responsibilities were too much but now I wish to go back to those years where the world was somehow filtered. They at least try to make us see the world after we graduate a little less overwhelming, now I understand what they mean when they say “welcome to the real world”… it sucks!
Well, maybe I’m in the early stage of stepping into the real world to say that it sucks and maybe I need to explore it more (do I have to?) so far all I can say is that I’d rather be in school lol. I learned so far that reality is very toxic and it will be if you let it. You need to have a strong mentality to face everything because these negatives can easily change you. It’s like the more you step into this “world” the colder your heart gets and kills the innocence inside of you. I think it’s all up to us how we face it and how we let it affects us but we need to preserve our wellness above everything else.
To those who are teenagers don’t rush to be a grown up enjoy your youth while you can (can’t believe I’m saying this like I’m a real grown up lol) time does flies so fast because before you know it you’re in the past (Always Remember lyric by Shane Filan).
Anyway, it’s been a while since I’ve written anything so forgive this short entry, I’m still trying to fit in everything that I want to do in a day but I still don’t know how and I only have one rest day from work in a week (shoot me now!) I honestly miss reading other blogs and books, I feel like I’m missing out on a lot of things since I started working or maybe this is what it feels like when I’m not sitting around in my house all day lol.
P.S. I don’t why but I feel like ending this entry with John Mayer’s song No Such Thing because it’s currently stuck in my head while I am writing this and I just feel like it suits this post. 🙂