MY WALLS

Behind a fortress, I am safe from the madness that is outside surrounding me and I can feel them closing in, alerting my senses.  

It can be suffocating— I can feel my heart breaking because behind these walls can be so lonely but being alone is where I truly feel free.

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IT’S NOT A FAIRYTALE

I had to learn it the hard way that people has limits when it comes to loving you even those who you were sure that will never hurt you.
 

They actually love you but when it comes to the bad habits that you can’t easily stop doing their patience slowly wear off as time goes by when they said that they will understand and they will wait for you but they can’t wait forever, you will have to eventually change your ways before it’s too late and they decide that they can’t wait for you any longer. You also have to know that they get tired like you do. You have to work hard to make a relationship work while they are doing their part, you have to do yours and that’s how it goes. All those romantic films that you have watched when you were younger were bullshit. It’s more complicated than you think and it’s definitely not a fairytale.

I get that now, he’s not going to be understanding all the time and I’m not the only one who needs him, he needs me too.

YOU

You lit me up while I was in the midst of my darkest night, you were my moon and stars that shine so bright— you were my light.

You brought back the life in my eyes, you showed me the truth behind all the lies, you stayed when all I knew was good byes.

MY GIGANTIC THOUGHT BUBBLE POPPED!

It’s been months since I last posted in here and from those times that I wasn’t posting here I always tell myself that I’m going to write something but I end up feeling tired and just keep the words I intend to write in my mind instead.
 
Today is Sunday and it’s raining, it’s the start of the rainy season from where I am and it’s my favorite season and type of weather. I was lying in my bed and I just feel really comfortable that I just want to stay in bed all day and just listen to the sound of the rain but then I had the urge to grab my notebook and just write. So I did, I wanted to write about the times that I was not writing and the reason why I was not writing.
 
I always blamed my job for taking all of my time, it’s impossible to juggle relationships, sleep and other stuff after work. But then I realized that it was not really about the amount of time I need to allot to write, it was about how I was supposed to write. Writing for me is where you pour your emotions out and it’s a way to vent out and lately I have no emotions left to pour that I felt my words will no longer have meaning when I write it with no feelings at all. It’s the true feeling of numbness and emptiness that I don’t feel anything at all, even the type of pain that you can feel in your chest is gone. It’s like I got tired of everything and I just accept everything that is happening and I’m not making any efforts at all. I used to care so much and now I’m just losing interest in everything that I once loved doing and that includes writing.

How am I supposed to write when I can no longer feel anything? When I can no longer put words to what I’m thinking?

That’s where my Gigantic Thought Bubbled popped! I keep wondering if the-not-feeling-anything part is just the effect of growing up and adulthood because if it is I don’t want it anymore, I just want to freeze time.

I want to do something about it and I want to write again even about the dumbest thing that I can think about and I kind of lost my poetic side as well and I want to bring it back. I’m writing again and I will try my best to post regularly because I just want to bring back my old self or even just a part of myself where I once cared.

Joana x

P.S. How is everyone? I miss reading your blogs. 🙂