SHORT STORY: JUST SAY HI TO HIM

A frustrated writer here, I’m just really trying to come up with a short story and I came up with this yesterday, it took me about 30 minutes.  I really want to know what you think, what can I improve? 😊 Thanks. 

Here it goes. 

Jennica had been crushing on Danny for so long that she knew everything about him, she basically stalked him and she also knew that Danny has a long time girlfriend. So, she just looked at him from a distance through secret glances, she tried to catch his attention several times by walking past him every time that she could hoping he’d looked at her way but she knew that there was no chance that he’d noticed her for he has a girlfriend.

Jennica’s day wouldn’t be completed if she didn’t see Danny, so everyday she always checked out the parking lot where Danny hanged out a lot with his car and with his friends and everyday she saw him there but lately she has been seeing Danny alone and meaning of alone was without his girlfriend Rhian. Jennica got her hopes up thinking that this is her chance on Danny so one day she found Danny sitting alone in the library, Jennica was building up all her courage to go and talked to him, as she was walking towards his table she suddenly felt nervous so she just walked past him again and sat a few tables behind him.

The next day Jennica was with her friends and they initially saw Danny in the parking lot with his back leaned on his white chevrolet car hanging out with his friends. Jennica’s friends teased her “just go say hi to him” and one of them shouted Danny’s name, Danny looked at Jennica’s way, searched for the person who shouted his name, Danny’s and Jennica’s eyes locked at each other for a couple of seconds and it felt like the world stopped at the moment Jennica was about to wave and she was about to say hi to Danny but then Rhian showed up.

“Hey babe!” broke the stare of Danny and Jennica. Rhian wrapped her arms around Danny’s waist.

Jennica looked away at the sight of the couple feeling disappointed that she thought they were over and they went walking away and headed straight to their classrooms.

After Jennica’s last period as she was walking past the parking lot she noticed that Danny’s car was still parked on the same spot as she saw earlier and she found it odd that he was still in school at the time for she knew his schedule, she slowed down her pace as she secretly scanned the place and she searched for Danny.

“Hey!” startled Jennica and made her jumped at the voice. Jennica was surprised when she saw Danny behind her making her tripped as she stepped back to get away from him who was just inches away from her but thankfully Danny catch her.

“Sorry– uhmm thank you” Jennica said her voice was shaking as she was trying to balanced herself. Danny released her and they stared at each other for a moment with an awkward silence. Finally Danny broke the silence and asked Jennica.

“Do you need a ride?” there was another silence, Jennica seemed to be taking her time if that moment was real as if she coudln’t believed that she was talking to her long time crush and who was actually offering her a ride but then she remembered Rhian.

“Uhmmm I don’t want to get in trouble with your girlfriend.”

Danny smirked and kinda chuckled at Jennica’s response. “What girlfriend? Rhian? We broke up months ago.”

Jennica seemed to be shocked at the information.

“But earlier–“.

“She’s been trying to win me back ever since I found out that she’s been cheating on me.” Jennica was just staring at him. Danny took a couple of steps towards Jennica  and he took up the space between them.

“It’s okay because I started noticing this very cute girl who keeps on walking past me with those secret side eye glances, at first I thought that was creepy but then I keep on noticing it and I later find it cute.” Jennica’s eyes widened and gasped but Danny continued, he was looking down at his hands.

“Yesterday I thought she finally built up her guts to talk to me when I was sitting at the library–” Danny chuckled, he continued.

“And I was actually quite disappointed when she just walked past me again.” Danny let out a big sigh.

“I’ve waited for her all day until she finishes her classes and now that she’s standing in front of me–” Danny lifted his eyes smiling at Jennica.

“I finally build up my own guts to ask her if she would let me take her out on a date.”

THE END.

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21 thoughts on “SHORT STORY: JUST SAY HI TO HIM

  1. I think your story line is great. The element of surprise is perfect for a short story, and the timing works. You have a sympathetic character, someone who is flawed but likeable, and that’s not always easy to achieve. The one suggestion I would make would be to work on your grammar and sentence structure a little. I think it would help the pace of the story. You are wise to create characters you’re familiar with in a situation you probably see play out around you all the time πŸ™‚ You have talent and skill, now you just need practice!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for the feedback as I’ve said I’m just a frustrated writer lol
      yep I think I really need tons of practice but thank you so much it means a lot 😊

      Liked by 1 person

      • Well, you have talent, so keep at it. The best writers work hard! Asking for feedback can be scary, and I so respect you for taking that risk. I’ll keep my eyes open for more of your stories! I look forward to seeing what you write!

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’ll work harder 😊 I believe that asking for opinions will be a great contributions to my learnings with this stuff whether it’s a good or it’s a bad feedback. 😊 Thank you again, have a great one.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Wonderful story and storyline. You did well on this. I would write it in the present tense. As if this happening now as the reader reads it. So in your first sentence for instance “know” should be “knew.” If this is difficult try reading it aloud to yourself as you correct. Otherwise, fantastic story and I want to know more about what happens with Jenica and her new boyfriend πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much, it means a lot to receive support from other people. I will work harder to improve more that’s for sure 😊

      Like

  3. That element of surprise has it all.
    I really like the way you write, keep it going.
    I love your work.
    I hope you visit my blog too!
    Would be more than just glad to hear from you on my posts.
    -Aishwarya πŸ’š

    Liked by 1 person

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